movie | Stunning Celebrity Fucks

Dingy, sleazy and dispiriting beyond belief: this is what the last days of the traditional post-Carry On video comedy in Britain came to, a movie which is, however, indisputably the work of an auteur: writer-producer-director Derren Nesbitt, whose hopes of ever embarking on a long-term movie-making career vanished when his wife filed for divorce on grounds of cruelty. The allegations of wife-beating hit the tabloids just as The Amorous Milkman was released, making the mpeg an even more unpalatable proposition than it would have been anyway and pole-axing Nesbitt’s acting career in the bargain.So why am I posting a comment on this flick now, about a year after seeing it, rather than any of the wonderful works I saw before it, and have seen since? Perhaps because in its desperate, queasy sexuality; its appallingly dingy photography (which looks as if they shot most of the flick using natural light and a 40-watt bulb during a rainstorm); and its cast of once-great veteran actors (Kinnear, Ridley, Kydd) and of never-wases who, despite being in their twenties and early thirties, already seem old, perhaps aged by the hopelessness of their career prospects, in all of these things, we have a distorting “mirror for England” as it could still be, to a certain extent, then. It’s morbidly fascinating, in the same way as the (UK) sitcom “Mind Your Language”, or cable-TV repeats of old gameshows (featuring elderly contestants who must by now be long dead) are fascinating. It shows us the terrifying natural conclusion of British end-of-the-pier culture: a kind of sickness, of identification with rot, with dissolution. It’s the kind of movie which Osborne-Richardson-Olivier’s Archie Rice would have made if he had been asked to make a picture of his dead soul: it’s a picture of the soul of a British popular culture that was, the dying appendix of seaside postcards + Rank Charm School shallowness + Ealing cheeriness + Carry On bawdiness: the natural conclusion of leering + emotional constipation + ebony humour + “Blitz spirit” + more leering is “jokes” about rape.Or to put it another way, it’s a load of rubbish, and unless you want to get a sociological version of The Fear at two in the morning (which is when they tend to show it on British TV’s equivalent of the end of the pier, Channel Five) my advice would be to give it a wide berth.

I like Hudson Leick as much as the next guy (and probably more than most of the next jocks), but even for her, this movie is just not worth watching. It’s just plain terrible from start to finish. Sure, Hudson looks great if that’s your interest — not hard for her to look good in any case — but even fast-forwarding and just watching her scenes, this one is just a real crapper. Even if you really like Hudson, avoid it.